Fuji Apple

I find that simple body scans are not working the best for me, but the raisin exercise did actually make me really focused on exactly what was happening with the single piece of dried grape.

It’s true food is one of the only things that will keep me awake when I’m tired, happy when I’m sad, and motivated when I down in whatever way. (If there was a past life, I probably starved to death to be so in love with food this time round.)

In keeping with the theme of “ordinary” in Chop Wood Carry Water, I decided to choose a food that is very common, an apple. However, to try and subconsciously emphasize the “transient” nature and motivate me to really take in the moment, I chose a type of apple I don’t usually buy. I used to, and still do, like fuji apples, but they are generally the more expensive version (compared to gala), so I have stopped buying them since the summer. BMS is my excuse for treating myself to a fuji.

Before I bite:

The skin is pale and not shiny (one of the reasons I like fuji is because it’s not waxed). It is pink all around, with small yellow stripes. There is a sweet smell, especially if smelled right from the stem part. The stem is kept on, with a round, smooth end. The texture is a little dry to the touch, unlike waxed surfaces, and in one small patch a little sandy. The apple is firm throughout.

The bite:

The apple is very juicy. The skin is very thin, I can hardly differentiate between biting into the skin and flesh. It make s avery crispy sound. I only bit into half the piece while the other half broke off with a lot of juice. Even after placing it in my mouth for a while I can still taste the sweetness without biting into it. It’s cool in my mouth.

Every little bite, even if my teeth just lightly touches it, the apple piece in my mouth will flow with sweet juice.

One piece of apple has never lasted so long in my mouth. Although, once I looked at the clock after I swallowed, only less than 60 seconds have passed.

Learning

“Just as the cup cannot hold anymore tea when it is already filled, how can I give you anything when your mind is already filled?”

—- Chop Wood Carry Water, p.19

This really struck me because it makes sense. There are many times when I would get so caught up on a little detail that I forget what the main point is, and also times when I refuse to bend my beliefs and try to devalue another opposing opinion. I generally consider myself to be open-minded, but now I realize, being open-minded does not mean that you don’t argue with other opinions, or just simply acknowledging their existence, but rather to actually stand on the other viewpoint and experience it. To try and believe the opposing view, and see what it’s like, instead of just accepting it as “something that I think is wrong but I won’t openly try to fight it”. It’s to try to think of it as “right” and really see from the other person’s perspective, then, make that “informed” choice to either stay on my own viewpoint or switch sides.

Another concept that it connects to would be how the more we learn, the more stubborn we become. Now that I learn the laws of physics, my imagination and enjoyment of certain things have been greatly limited compared to when I was a child, when I believe if I pulled feathers off of a hundred badminton birdies and stuck them onto a pair of cardboard wings I would actually be able to fly. Now that I watched videos of how magic tricks are actually done, every time I see a magic show, instead of awing at the mystery and surprise, I examine critically at the magicians every move and the camera’s cut scenes.

There is a passage in Tao Te Ching that can relate to this:

“五色令人目盲，五音令人耳聋，五味令人口爽，驰骋畋猎令人心发狂，难得之货令人行妨。是以圣人，为腹不为目，故去彼取此。”

It says that too many tastes, sounds and colors that we perceive tend to cloud our minds, and make us lose the actual experience. Using eating as an example, it describes that real zen masters knows when to stop eating based on how full they feel, while other people will be distracted and lured by the appearance, smell, or taste of food, and go on to eat more than they need to. Hence, the mindful will experience on the “now”, while the unmindful will look to the “then”.

When we have too much knowledge, we will be clouded by expectations, rules, and laws. We may stop experiencing, but rather looking at everything analytically and trying to predict what will happen next. I think being mindful is trying to break this habit, and train the mind to stop calculating trends and patterns, and just simply process the present moment.

The Beginning

This first chapter in Chop Wood Carry Water has been very confusing, teeming with paradoxical phrases. I think the essence is to acknowledge, to just experience and not plan or expect anything. Easier said than done I must say.

Who am I really?

This is not a question I know the answer to. I doubt I will find the answer by the end of the semester, but who knows, maybe I will be able to catch a hint here or there. At one point the book describes the “end point” (if there is one) of the spiritual practice is to be “nobody”, but it also states that “You have to be somebody before you can be nobody”. Perhaps it means that you need to know what is there before you can remove or be free from it. It is very confusing, and the more I think about it the more confused I become.

The chapter also talks about recommended readings, with the Tao Te Ching being one othe the first. Fortunately I have the advantage of being able to read the text in its original language, and I would like to make it a goal to read one passage from it every week, even though I may not understand its content.

The first entry in the Tao Te Ching is:

“道可道，非常道。名可名，非常名。无名天地之始。有名万物之母。故常无欲以观其妙。常有欲以观其徼。此两者同出而异名，同谓之玄。玄之又玄，众妙之门。”

Ancient Chinese is very convoluted, much information is condensed into single characters. I can see that this is where Lao Zi is introducing his vision of Tao, or as the English version translates, the “Way”. But the way in introduces it is very similar to the first chapter.

From what I understand, he describes Tao as a very abstract thing, that can not be spoken of or named. If it is named or described in words, then it is not the real or whole Tao, but only a snippet or instance. Before the beginning of the earth and sky, there was no name (I believe he means “nothingness”), and the “name”, came to birth with everything else in existence. He even states that this concept of Tao is “玄之又玄”, which means it’s mysterious beyond mysterious (basically means, very, very hard to grasp), but at the same time, this Tao is the way to understand all the mysteries.

There is a common theme to both the book chapter and the first introduction entry of Tao Te Ching, in that this concept of mindfulness, or Tao, is very multi-layered, hard to put into language, and when it is put into words, extremely difficult to comprehend and understand.

First Pebbles

Two days after my first class in Inquiry – Body, Mind and Spirit, I’ve finally started my first assignment.

This assignment came from an old story. It was told that a Tibetan Zen Master, Geshe Ben Gungyal, once used this method to become more aware about the positivity or negativity of his thoughts. Every time he finds himself thinking a negative thought, he would place a dark pebble in the sack, and every time he has a positive thought, he would place a light pebble in another sack. The pebbles are counted everyday to see his progress on positive living.

Of course, it’s unfeasible for me to carry around pebbles all day. I actually intended to start this assignment the afternoon of, but things got way too hectic and by the time I got home at 11:30pm, all I could think of was sleep.

Tuesday was a similar defeat, I was stressed and extremely busy throughout the day, and didn’t have a moment to pause and really notice the thoughts and experiences I have. I almost did the same thing today, until when I had a 2 hour break during lunch time, and that’s when I really set my foot down and just started it.

Some times you just gotta start it.

I usually like planning things out before starting, anything. For this assignment I was thinking a lot about what to replace the pebbles with. Should it be notes on my phone? A notebook? Or voice memos? How should I classify the thoughts and experiences, do repeat thoughts count as one? Multiple? What about a lingering thought?

In the end I just took out a pen and drew lines on my wrist. Because it was much easier to carry around a pen than anything else. And so it started.

I definitely wouldn’t say I caught every thought. Now looking retrospectively I think the few greetings with bus drivers may probably count towards a positive experience, and my reaction to a few emails that popped up later in the day probably counted towards some negatives. But I didn’t go back to edit my records, because the prospective element of this assignment is what makes it insightful. As quoted in Chop Wood Carry Water, “The master speaks but once”.

I would like to keep documenting my thoughts. I’ve never REALLY wanted to see how far this could take me until now. Second year HABITS was educational, but only educational. It is only this term that I have the urge to actually EXPERIENCE.

Because it makes total sense, experiencing is different from knowing, and I want to know how different.